It amazes me how easily a child’s mind is shaped and how parental conditioning becomes in integral part of who we grow into as adults.
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to define who and what I should be, and how I should shape myself into someone deserving of love.
I had a conversation with my dad when I was about 13 or 14 that really impacted me in so many ways. Here was his “advice” to me:
Daughter, no man will ever truly love you. You are not black and you are not white. If you marry a black man, he will abuse you and hurt you. If you marry a white man he will treat you like a trophy and control you because you are unique looking. You just need to accept whatever man will marry you and abide by his needs and rules. Stop being so strong willed and bullheaded. Be more like a woman should be.
I’ve never been quite able to discern what the hell it meant to be more like a woman.
Living in the middle of two races is difficult enough without having an influence that reinforces you have no clearly defined place to belong. I pretty much wrote off a lot of my dad’s thought processes as a generational thing, it’s just how people were raised in the 40’s and 50’s. Unfortunately, my dad was a bad man (which he often admitted), he is black (which he is not happy about), and he used himself as an example to prove his point. Pretty twisted human being, right? I grew up feeling he was just a bad man and it had NOTHING to do with his skin color, and everything to do with his jaded beliefs.
Love has no boundaries unless we put them there.